New Year’s Resolutions: A 4,000-Year-Old Group Project We Keep Failing
Every January 1st, we wake up convinced we have entered our “new era.”
This is the year we become organized. Hydrated. Financially responsible. Possibly a person who owns matching socks.
And then by January 12th, we’re negotiating with ourselves like, “What if personal growth didn’t require effort?”
But take heart. This annual burst of optimism followed by immediate collapse is not a personal flaw—it’s a 4,000-year-old tradition.
Ancient People Also Lied to Themselves
A Brief (and Comforting) History of Resolutions
The earliest New Year’s resolutions date back about 4,000 years to the ancient Babylonians. They made promises to their gods to pay debts and return borrowed items. Which is honestly adorable. Imagine starting the year like, “Dear gods, I swear I’ll give Steve his plow back.”
The Romans followed up by promising good behavior to Janus, the two-faced god of beginnings (and possibly judgment). Fast-forward a couple thousand years, and now we promise ourselves we’ll “work out more,” which is basically the modern version of promising a god you’ll be better, except the god is your bathroom mirror and it is deeply unimpressed. And let’s not forget our other gods: Zillow, Peloton, and a budgeting app we downloaded but never opened.
How Long Do Resolutions Last? (Spoiler: Not Long)
Some stats that will soothe your soul:
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80% of resolutions fail by mid-February
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A large chunk don’t make it past the first two weeks
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January 19th is literally known as Quitter’s Day
If your resolution has already “evolved” into more of a vibe, congratulations—you’re doing exactly what everyone else is doing.
The Most Popular New Year’s Resolutions (Because Originality Is a Myth)
Every year, humanity collectively agrees to aim for the same five things:
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Exercise more / get in shape
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Lose weight
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Save more money
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Eat healthier
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Be more productive and organized
And increasingly joining this list:
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Move / get a new home / escape current living situation
This one usually sounds like:
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“We’ll move this year”
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“We’ll finally buy a house”
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“We’ll downsize”
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“We’ll get more space”
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“We just need something… different”
Which is less a resolution and more a cry for help from the real estate market.
The Resolution Everyone Underestimates: Moving
Getting a new home is one of the most ambitious New Year’s resolutions because it quietly contains 17 sub-resolutions, including:
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Save money
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Make decisions
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Agree with other humans
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Fill out forms
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Emotionally detach from your current couch
It’s no wonder people say “This is the year we move” for five consecutive years. That’s not failure—that’s commitment.
The Easiest Resolution to Actually Keep
Here’s the secret no one puts on a vision board:
The easiest resolution is the one that doesn’t require a personality transplant.
Examples:
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Walk for 10 minutes
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Drink one more glass of water
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Put money into savings once a month
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Tour one home
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Declutter one drawer instead of “the whole house”
If your resolution can survive a bad mood, bad weather, and the realization that your couch is extremely comfortable, it has potential.
Why We Do This Every Year Anyway
Even knowing we’ll probably quit, we keep making resolutions.
Because deep down we believe there’s a version of us who works out, saves money, and lives somewhere with better light and fewer mysterious noises.
And maybe we don’t become that person overnight. But if we move one box, drink one glass of water, or walk around the block once more than last year—that’s technically progress.
My New Year’s resolution?
Lower the bar. Step over it. Celebrate. Repeat.
And if it all falls apart by January 19th? That’s fine. History is on our side.
If you want, I can: